A question I frequently get from folks wanting to spice up their sexual repertoire is how they can (lovingly, compassionately, sensitively) introduce toys into their partnered sex. There is often anxiety and fear that suggesting the use of toys – vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, restraints, etc. – will make their partner feel insufficient. That the sex without toys wasn’t good enough. That the toys are necessary for sexual satisfaction.
Let me be clear about a few things before I continue with some advisory strategies for introducing toys into your sexytime.
Sex toys canNOT replicate closeness, intimacy, connection, conversation, eye contact, passion, etc.
Sex toys CAN do things our body parts just can’t. Period.
Sex toy assisted pleasure and orgasm are no less legitimate than those that aren’t.
IM(humble)O, if you are concerned that your lover will take insult or offense at suggesting sex toy use during your sexcapades, your might want to being your preparation well before selecting your toy of choice. People are more likely to take risks when they feel comfortable and supported (and yes, bringing a sex toy into play may feel risky and vulnerable for some), so put forth effort at making them feel secure, self-assured, and confident during your partnered sex play.
What this looks like:
Lots of positive reinforcement! AKA – tell them when they do stuff that makes you feel good (although I am NOT advocating that you tell them things feel good when they do not feel good).
Are there certain positions, activities, environments, etc. that make them feel sexually self-confident? If you aren’t sure, now would be a great time to ask. Engage in those contexts where your own personal comfort and boundaries allow.
Genuinely remind your lover how sexually satisfied and fulfilled you are outside of the bedroom. Shoot them a text a couple days after a sexcapade telling them you’re still thinking about how hot it was. Describe how you were fantasizing about the sex you two had during a masturbation sesh. Over dinner, tell them how much you enjoyed “that thing they did” in bed the other night.
When it comes to choosing a toy, I recommend – at least at first – looking for something that is minimally intimidating and mutually enjoyable.
So, if your partner has a penis, maybe suggesting a 10 inch long, 4 inch wide dildo isn’t your best bet. You can probably imagine how that might make them feel a bit inadequate right off the bat, nah mean?
Perhaps a better idea is something that does not replicate (what could be construed as a bigger and/or better) body part. Something that no matter how skilled, sized, experienced your luvah is, they just simply would not be able to provide the type of stimulation the toy can.
Choosing a toy together is a great way to get your partner invested in the experience. Perhaps you make a date of going to a sex shop together, or uncork a bottle of wine and pursue the interwebs for something together.
Some typically less intimidating options might be some sort of light restraint like handcuffs or a silk scarf; sensory play items like blindfolds or soy massage candles; or my fave idea is a small, discreet vibe like this Sova Commando.
The Commando is a great intro to sex toy play because it doesn’t imitate body parts or functions, so is likely (hopefully) less intimidating or insulting to a lover.
The vibration function (both the vibe AND the remote vibrate! So you can both enjoy simultaneously! How cool!) can stimulate a variety of body parts – including the clitoris, nipples, inner thighs, the buttocks (NOT IN THE BUTT, PLEASE! No flared base!), etc.
The remote control capability can be a playful, flirty way to use with a partner as well, as one of you can control the stim for the other, even from a distance. What a great way to start foreplay during date night dinner or out with a group of friends? Stick that vibe in your undies and let your boo give you a secret flutter every now and then!
I also advise to use positive reinforcement post sex toy play. If your lover is able to recognize how much pleasure you got out of the sex between the two of you (NOT necessarily just the toy itself, but rather the shared experience), they will be more likely to want to venture into sex toy land again.
And duh, if the experience is enjoyable for them, they’re def more likely to want to engage again, and also feel more comfortable venturing into more advance sex toyery as well! So be sure to include them in the pleasure-having of the sex toy escapades.